Falling

Falling into chargrin

as I sink deeper in

this hole I put myself in

fighting a demon that lives within

no longer knowing where to begin

my mind starts to spiral an spin

can’t fight the waves that keep crashing in

the water is almost at my chin

Happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday. 36 years young. I have neglected myself and my writing for far too long. With less than gentle pushes and shoves from loved ones and the universe I made a commitment to complete and post something on or before my birthday. I made this commitment to myself. It’s one thing to make commitments to others and meet them, it’s another to make them to yourself. At this point in my life I need to start taking care of me and following through on things that bring me joy. I need to be accountable to me. I matter too. So here we go. It’s a new day, a new year, a new life and a new me….

Oh hi!

I am not even sure where to start with this. I once had a blog here and had a great amount of content posted. Due to circumstances beyond my control I no longer have control over that account. Yes I am working with WordPress to regain access to it but unfortunately this may take some time. Eventually I will be pulling my content over to this blog. Out with the old and in with the new right?

I really don’t know were this blog will take me, or if it will even take me anywhere but let’s just see what happens. I don’t think I really have a theme or anything like that. My previous blog was very based around my faith, as you will eventually see. This one however will be a whole lot of everything. For now I don’t see myself fitting into any neat boxes and that’s more than okay with me.
I always get so awkward and weird when it comes to the “about me” sections on most things. How is one supposed to describe a lifetime of events that formed you into the person you are now in 250 characters or less? None the less I am going to give a very vague descriptions of who and what I am. *que cringe face*
I am a wife to an amazing man of 2.5yrs. It took me 33yrs to find him and when I did we sealed the deal quite quickly! Met, moved in, engaged and married within 6 months. I know it seems so fast and irrational, but it worked for us. If you are thinking its been all sunshine and roses you’d be sadly mistaken. Moving as quickly as we did created many obstacles and learning experiences that we would not have faced had we taken our time. We have two fur babies(cats) and yes I am “that” cat mom!

Prior to meeting my husband I was in a very physically, emotionally, sexually abusive and controlling relationship for 3 years, it was because of this I no longer have control over my old WordPress. During that time I was also an iv meth user. He introduced me to it and had a needle in my arm within a month of first trying meth. I don’t put the blame solely on him. I made a choice and accept my part in all that happened. The last time he beat me he broke my finger and partially paralyzed my right arm among the other cuts and bruises all over my body. I left and the police filed 9 charges against him on my behalf. I had been to detox and treatment, while he was in jail for other charges and relapsed for two weeks once he got out. Today I have over 3 years clean. You will see many pieces that mention him and or my time addicted to meth. I wish I could say this was the only thing I was ever addicted to.

Before meeting my ex I was trapped and constantly physically, mentally and sexually abused by my stepfather. He isn’t even worth a paragraph. In the nearly 20 years of being his victim I was addicted to narcotic prescription painkillers. I was prescribed them at the age of 12 for endometriosis and used them until 3 days before I tried meth. I used them to hide from what was happening to me in my everyday life. I had dabbled with alcohol in my youth like most teenagers but didn’t properly pick up my first drink until the day after my older brother who was my everything(you will see lots about him) completed suicide after numerous attempts. That day my addiction to alcohol began.

Today I am just me. I don’t really know where I fit, but that’s okay! I am on this wild adventure of discovering who and what I am, as a wife, aunt, sister, friend, daughter and woman. The journey since getting sober hasn’t been without trial and error but I’m slowly getting there. I have a beautiful life that I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined. Life is beautiful. Am I still broken? Yes! Am I perfect? Nope! Do I wake up everyday and set good intentions for myself and my life? Hell yeah!!! Thanks for taking part in my journey and reading my random thoughts and feelings. One thing I can promise you is that it’s not always going to be bright and sunny. I still have a lot of darkness in me that I work out with the good ol’ fashion pen and pad. Buckle up it’s going to be a bumpy ride!